Speaking Speaking with the Damned
An Interview with Count Guido da Montefeltro
In 1321, a then relatively unknown poet, Dante Alighieri, allegedly misrepresented himself to an unsuspecting political figure in order to acquire restricted information that would have otherwise been unobtainable. Dante then published that damning information in a book that would become his greatest work.
Several prominent Ghibellines have condemned this act as, “…the greatest offense of malicious misrepresentation in the history of Heaven, Hell and the world alike.” However, the Guelphs, a rival faction, adamantly defend Dante and his methods. Hard-pressed to deny Dante’s actions, the Guelphs are now trying to rally support by saying it was a situation in which the ends justified the means. They believe that Dante only acted as he did because Mephistopheles refused to release records from Count Guido da Montefeltro’s incarceration hearing, records that detailed the Count’s sins.
With both sides trying to slant the truth to their own benefit, Count Guido da Montefeltro has finally decided to speak out and tell his side of the story. After remaining silent for so long, the Count came to Dead Poets Weekly last month to speak with one of our staff writers.
Editors note: Those who are unfamiliar with this publication should understand the abbreviation DP is commonplace in our magazine and stands for Dead Poet.
Dead Poets Weekly: Thanks for coming up here. I know you’re a busy man.
Count Guido da Montefeltro: I’m sorry it’s taken this long; I really have been burning to get up here ever since this whole thing started.
DPW: Ha. Well, we do appreciate it. Before we get into what really happened I want to ask, how do you feel about other DPs profiting from the scandal?
CGdM: Honestly, it’s hard to fault some of them. I mean, a lot of your lesser-known DPs are just looking for a way to get noticed. I may not agree with what they’re doing and I certainly don’t like the fact that they keep bringing up the whole embarrassing mess, but realistically they’re just trying to write something good and get ahead of the competition. Who can blame them for that? Others though…
DPW: Others? I assume you mean Eliot?
CGdM: Not just Eliot, but yeah, he is a good example because he took the most embarrassing part of what happened and reprinted it at the beginning of one of his biggest pieces. Was that really necessary? The guy is famous enough already. Poets like Eliot don’t need to rely on gimmicks like that to get ahead. They are ahead. Leave that garbage to the little guys struggling to catch a break. Okay, so Dante did what he did and for better or worse, it’s out there. And then for someone who knows the business, who’s established in the business, to come along and use that information in their own work without even questioning whether the original piece had been obtained legally or not, that’s just wrong.
DPW: Do you think what Dante did was illegal?
CGdM: That’s for the courts to decide.
DPW: You’re not seriously trying to suggest you don’t have an opinion?
CGdM: Of course I have an opinion. All I’m saying is, that in the end it won’t matter what I think, just what the courts decide.
DPW: So you do have an opinion. What is it?
CGdM: Come on, would I even be here if I thought what he did was right? He obtained information from me illegally and printed it without my permission, let alone knowledge. There’s no way I would have talked to him had I known his true identity. Look at it like this; it’s a confidentiality issue. Priests, therapists, doctors, lawyers, all have confidentiality clauses that allow you to spill your guts to them without fear of anyone else hearing what you said. Everything you tell them is privileged information. That’s the situation I was lead to believe I was in. I was tricked, and that isn’t right, or legal.
DPW: But did he actually tell you he was a damned soul?
CGdM: That’s not the point. When you go to confession, does the priest say, “Hey, I’m a priest. You can tell me anything”? No, of course not. He doesn’t have to say anything because you know he’s a priest by the fact he’s sitting in the confessional booth and wearing one of those little white things in his collar. By just being in Hell, Dante was misrepresenting himself as one of the damned. He should have told me who he actually was.
DPW: Following that logic, what about reporters or private investigators? Where does it stop, should undercover policemen have to identify themselves?
CGdM: Don’t be absurd. There’s a big difference between a poet and a policeman.
DPW: So if Dante had been a police officer, you wouldn’t be angry?
CGdM: No, that’s not what I’m saying. Of course I’d still be angry, but it would be different. My personal information would still be out there, translated into a thousand different languages and plagiarized time and time again. Anybody would be angry about that, but he would have had the law on his side. As things are, he didn’t and that’s the big difference. Would I still be angry? Yes, of course. Would I be seeking legal action? No.
DPW: Have you spoken with Dante since the incident?
CGdM: The only contact I’ve had with Dante has been through my lawyer.
DPW: Dante has gone on record saying he asked Mephistopheles for your files on several occasions and was turned down repeatedly. Do you…
CGdM: You see, that’s where it should have ended. When things didn’t work out the way he wanted them to, he flat out ignored the law and took matters into his own hands. There’s a reason [Mephistopheles] didn’t release my records. It goes back to the confidentiality issue. Even if Dante had been a police officer, I still don’t think Meph would have turned the records over, at least not without a fight. You know a lot of people think there’s bad blood between Meph and myself. Truth is, he’s just doing his job and I know that. I think he showed his true character by refusing to give my records to Dante, or anyone else who asked for that matter. A lot of people wanted to know exactly why I was sent to Hell. Dante was the only one who ever broke in to find out.
DPW: Do you think Mephistopheles is as angry with Dante as you are?
CGdM: I would rather not put any words in his mouth. If Meph wants to speak out against Dante, he will.
DPW: A lot of people want to know why it took you so long to take this to the courts.
CGdM: I get asked that all the time. It’s like people think I just went to the courts last week. That isn’t true at all. This has all been going on for a long, long time. I actually started looking into my options as soon as I realized what happened. Lucky for me, the old joke is true; Hell really is full of lawyers. But even so, you have to understand the bureaucracy of Hell. Normally you sort of lose all your rights when you go to Hell and I’m no exception. So technically, I can’t sue Dante. The way things worked out, I mean because Dante actually snuck in, it’s sort of like the institution of Hell is suing Dante and I’m the spokesman. Of course, it’s more complicated than that. With all the different levels and minor deities, I guess it’s more of a class action suit. But that’s the gist of it. Anyway, just getting all that business sorted out took a couple thousands years worth of petitions and paper work. Then we spent a few centuries trying to settle out of court, but that fell through and here we are now.
DPW: You live in Hell, you have no need for money. What are you hoping to gain from this lawsuit?
CGdM: Two things. First, I just want an apology. I want Dante to tell me to my face that he is sorry about what he did, and I want him to mean it. I also want to make sure this doesn’t happen again.
DPW: So you want the courts to make an example out of him.
CGdM: Not necessarily, I just want the courts to say, “Look, this is wrong. You can’t go around imitating whoever you want just to get a good poem.” It’s up to them to decide the best punishment to make that point. Just as long as other DPs see what could happen to them, I think that’s the best way to ensure this won’t happen again.
DPW: Every interview we ask, favorite dead poet?
CGdM: Saint John. “Lies are his native tongue, for he is a liar and the father of lies.”[sic]
DPW: Interesting choice. Guido, thanks for coming.
CGdM: My pleasure, thanks for having me.